gabriel arrived in the morning on june 22 after a 31-hour labor that ended with a c-section. the labor was intense and although the contractions were strong and the pain level eclipsed the ones with my gall stones, my body wasn't cooperating. gabriel still had to come out another way even though he was doing his job and cooperating quite nicely --what's worse, he had to sport the "cone-head" look for a few weeks. weighing in at 7lbs, 7 oz. and displaying quite the feisty personality, this baby is beautiful. God has richly blessed us with this gift.
this new job that started almost a month ago has completely kicked my arse. it is the *hardest* job i've ever had, and quite frankly i'm amazed at how a tiny, 10lb and still growing creature can humble and bring a mom and dad to their knees. this little baby has whooped us. that said, we wouldn't have it any other way. gabriel is doing what babies are supposed to do -- eat, sleep, poop, cry, grow, keep his parents awake at night, and look adorable every step of the way. with each day, he continues to change and grow -- it's really amazing how fast this is.
the first two weeks was the toughest and longest two weeks of my life with having to quickly learn how to breastfeed, interpret and respond to his loud wails of discomfort, and care for a newborn while still recovering from a c-section and on very little sleep. breastfeeding was difficult at first -- with bleeding, cracked, sore and blistered nipples. i felt conflicted with the thought of having to breastfeed on an two-hour basis - physically, i got goose bumps and felt this feeling of utter dread. but mentally, i wanted to because i knew breastfeeding was the best for him... there was more than one nuclear meltdown during these past few weeks that was related to having to nurse him.
there were other nuclear meltdowns. no one really told me what the first trimester (let alone the first month) would be like, and i sure wish someone did share *all* the gory details. sure folks shared that we wouldn't sleep much but i didn't anticipate cluster feeding, long bouts of colic/fussiness where nothing can appease my wailing son, what may happen to your breasts while you and baby learn how to nurse, and the utter feeling of "oh my gosh, what have i gotten myself into and how do i stop this baby from crying bloody murder?!!!"
while my mom and others were here to provide much needed help, i felt (and sometimes still do feel) inadequate, overwhelmed, and totally incompetent as a parent. i was at odds with myself with how to care for this new being -- our son -- and felt so much pressure to do it right. i didn't want to fail gabriel, my husband, or anyone else. i tore through all my pregnancy and how to care for your newborn books at home and online -- seeking as much advice i could find. when the advice conflicted (which happened a lot), i tried all the methods to see which would stick. yet, in the middle of the night when the only ones awake are me and gabriel, it's hard to remember that advice. of course, sleep deprivation affected my mood and i was a raging, "mung jung" woman to those around me. i owe my mom and bill deep apologies and admire their patience and ability to extend grace to me, esp when i have been one mean, critical and complete pill.
thankfully, the past two weeks were a little better. gabriel stopped his middle of the night, collicky ways (for now) and although we're both up every two hours to nurse, at least he's not screaming his head off and i get to sleep in between feedings. i'm learning to nap during the day and not try to do other things every time he's sleeping (e.g. clean house, check email, etc.). those extra hours of sleep really help. and thankfully the breastfeeding is getting easier too now that the nipples have healed up a bit and we're slowly but surely improving the latching part.
aside from sharing about this emotionally raw and vulnerable state, there is so much to share about gabriel although i'm a bit too tired to chronicle them now. a few that come to mind include his first smile, his first bath, his "i'll break you" stink eye, his first manicure, and our gdiaper experience so far, learning to unplug...
if only i had the energy :)
2 comments:
he's beautiful! congrats!
hang in there. it gets easier, esp. when you accept that your best efforts are good enough, even if the results don't suggest that.
You're a rock star YG!! And you know, ALL babies scream and cry. ALL new moms have challenges and feel like failures at various moments. As it is with every big change in our lives - it takes adjustment and tinkering to make it best for you. Don't forget that nothing in life can be done perfectly. And frankly, your best effort is likely leaps and bounds beyond that of an "average" woman. Without even observing you, I'm quite certain you're doing just fantastically! ;)
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